The Soapy Knitter

WARNING: BIG HUGE VENT AHEAD!

Let me tell you guys about what’s been happening around Chez G.  We decided to baptize Gian in the Catholic church.  As some of you may know, I’m not big on religion.  I was baptized Catholic and so was Tano and all of our kids so we decided to go with the flow and do the same with Gian.  But now, as I’m older, the title of Godparent is not given to just anyone.  To me, it means waaaaaay more than just what the Catholic church says, which is that Godparents are supposed to bring the kid to the Church when the parent can’t go.  To me, you’re to be there if my child needs you and/or needs advice or what not.  You know, like a sub-parent almost.  So I chose two very good friends of ours, Inger and Moises.

Last week we went to the baptism class.  The priest seemed to be a big charlatan let me tell you.  He cracked all sorts of inappropriate jokes (like saying that most families after the baptism would go home, start partying and dance bachata) and he even told this one girl that was translating for her father to shut up. That they needed to respect and blah blah.  He said many other things that I disagreed with but I won’t get into anymore or this post will have to be broken down into a mini-series. But at the end, he gave instructions for the baptism:

1. 1 - Be there by 1:30 pm.  We were not to arrive late or he wouldn’t perform the baptism on your child.  He closes the doors at 2 pm and will not let anyone in.
2. 2 - Fill out the card with the child’s name for the recordbook. 
3. 3 - Do not put the card inside the same envelope that was given to you to put your “$500 donation” in. That is separate.
4. 4 - He says he was “just joking” about the $500 but that the Church “requires a $25 DONATION for the baptism”.  (This sounds like a FEE to me, not a donation.)
5. 5 - If you get rowdy in the church he will throw you out. If you continue to get rowdy outside he will just call the cops.
6. 6 - Dress well and dress your child well.

I can understand #1 and #2 but the rest???  What the hell are those about???

Well, the day of the baptism comes and I was pissed off because I had to cook and bring the food to the Godfather’s house, Moises.  He was also baptising his son so we were going to have one big dinner.  But see, I didn’t want to cook from the beginning.  I wanted to go to a restaurant, all chip in and call it a day.  So that day I ended up having to cook and here I am huffing and puffing all around the kitchen and I started telling Tano, “I don’t want to go.” and he’s saying “let’s just do it and get it over with”.  We were having a horrible day!! HORRIBLE.  So we ended up leaving the house a little later than we originally planned.  We got stuck in traffic.  My friend, Dilenia, calls me when it’s close to two and asks where we are.  I told her we were stuck and that I had told Moises that if anything, to just go ahead and we’d reschedule.  We hung up but then I sent her a text message and asked her to let me know what the priest said because we had “issues with him as it is”.  She text back that the priest was waiting for 2 other families besides us.

We got there at about 2:04 and walked inside and sat in the rear.  He had apparently just started.  He was reading from the Bible and as he’s reading says “And that family that just came in the back is very lucky they didn’t find the doors closed.  VERY LUCKY INDEED.”  We were BEYOND shocked.

He then started walking up the aisle and putting oil in the form of a cross on the forehead of each child getting baptized. He got to us, turned around and kept on going down the other side.  He never touched my son.  So, we’re thinking he’s not going to do the baptism.  Which was fine.  We could’ve left it at that.  But next thing I know, a lady that was assisting him came behind us, asked us which child was getting baptized, we pointed (the priest already knew because Gian was dressed in ALL WHITE and the others were not and were all the way down the pew anyway while Gian was sitting on his Dad’s lap at the end of the aisle where the priest was walking.)  She told us she’d speak to the priest to see if he was still going to do it.  I told her and if he doesn’t, that’s fine too.  She asked if he put the oil and I said no and she said, oh…i’ll ask….do you have the envelope??

I looked at her like she was from another planet but told her, yes, the godfather does.

So we’re sitting there listening to everything and then the priest goes to the fountain and starts doing that part of the ceremony.  The lady was going up the aisle sending each family along.  She gets to us and says to go and I say to her but is he going to do it.  She said, yes, that she’d spoken to him and that he said yes.  So we went.  He did that part of the ceremony very rudely like and once he poured the water on gian’s head HE STUCK OUT HIS HAND AND ASKED FOR THE ENVELOPE.

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! 

The Godfather hands him the envelope. At this point we are ALL soooo pissed but we still go and sit down.

But wait….there’s more.

We’re sitting there and he’s reading and preaching and then starts walking up the aisle again and as he’s coming he’s going to each child and putting a cross on their forehead again with his thumb and saying I bless you in the name of….etc.  When he gets to Gian, he does the cross…..on his forehead…..

AND SAYS NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  NOT A FUCKING WORD.  NADA. ZIP ZILCH. NOTHING. 

WHAT THE FUCK DID MY SON EVER DO TO THIS BASTARD!!!  I WAS SO FUCKING PISSED!! 

Because he turned around and continued to the other side blessing each child.  But Gian, my 6-month-old son did not, what?? DESERVE his blessing???

Well, you know what happens next right?  I start putting on his coat.  The priest comes back in a circle and is doing another blessing to the kids but this time, he didn’t even come near us, he just kept right on past us. 

I was FUMINGLY PISSED OFF.  I can’t even tell you the rage that I felt at that moment.  But I collected all of us together, held my head up high, and walked us out of that church. 

And that’s how I’m not a Catholic anymore.

Sunday morning, I ordered two books: a bible in contemporary english (Basic english) and The World’s Religions.  I would like to read about all the stories in the bible, learn to understand them, and also explore all the different religions out there.

Then I spoke to Moises’ wife who explained to me that THAT MAN WAS NOT A PRIEST.  He was the deacon and apparently deacons are allowed to perform baptisms.

So this morning I called the church and asked to speak to the real pastor and told him what happened.  He says he’s new there and that he sorta inherited this deacon along w/the post but that he was making MANY changes and was very glad that I called. 

I requested a meeting w/the deacon and pastor because I want this “messenger of God” or whatever he is to explain to me WHY HE DID NOT BLESS MY SON.  Even tho, my son does not need the blessing of this idiot, what he did was rude, and totally uncalled for!!!

We never did anything to this man and neither did Gian.  I want an explanation and it better be a good one.

PS: If anyone is offended by the verbage I use in this post because you are a Catholic, know that I only started cursing the man once I realized he wasn’t a real priest.  As much as I have a dirty mouth and I wanted to flare off and curse when I was venting once we got outside, I respected what I thought was his position and I did not.  But, he’s not a priest.  He’s an idiotic stupid person but not a priest.