(this is exactly what a week would be like at the gym for Rosi G.)
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something
Wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted
To get into a regular workout routine.
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a
Week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
Football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good
Idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
Trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old
Aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
It was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find
Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess –
With blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
Watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
Class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
Already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
Door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
Into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little
Wobbly on the treadmill, but I made t he full mile. Belinda’s
Rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a
Whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
The counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
Believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
Long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO
In the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
Bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
That early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this
Nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
The stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
Simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
Told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
Some other shit too.
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
As her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
Couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it took me that long
To tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
Looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny
Bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
Hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
Skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part
Of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat
Her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any
Triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me
The damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
Nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer,
Like the drama coach or the choir director?
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
Shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
Hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my
Planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV
Remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
Go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
Next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for
Me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I say if God
had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!